He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
