I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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