Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
