So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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