apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
