White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
