He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
