and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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