I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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