ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
