i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
