I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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