So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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