I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
