I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
