OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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