Hey man sorry I got all grabby
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
