Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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