i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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