She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
