High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
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