there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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