I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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