Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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