Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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