ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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