maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
