i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize