Heybabeimwearingurpanties
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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