When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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