Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
