ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
