Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Bring me that man meat
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
