and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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