Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
