I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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