she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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