just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
