This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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