we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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