Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
