How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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