I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
