you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
