Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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