I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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