why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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