Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
