thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
