if you like me you must not know who I am
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
