Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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