Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
