I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
If that was your dad, he is hot
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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