i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
