I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
