when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
