Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
